Tag Archives: Random

Happy Ho’oween?

Ok, so as a Chihuahua I don’t particularly like to get dressed up. For anything. Especially Halloween. It’s jus’ not my style, I’m a commando kind of guy. I’m all about hanging out all the way, all the time. With that said, I can respect peeps who want to get dressed up on Halloween. That’s cool, that’s their choice and I’m all about choice..I like to have a choice between chicken and steak and cheese and sugar snap peas, apples with peanut butter…anyway…

So, I’m cool with other people getting their costume on. But what my curious Chi mind wants to know is what the hell is with all the whore costumes for ladies? I mean, seriously. A girl can’t just dress up as regular ol’ Pocahontas, now she has to look like Whorahontas. I mean there are some costumes that jus’ assume a little sluttiness, like you  know, say, a French Maid or a Go-Go dancer…or a hooker. But now, every darn costume made for the ladies has as much material as a shrunken thong. They take the most innocent costumes and strip it down and turn up the skank. Hey! Look at the  Zombie Tramp!

And this not jus’ an issue for grown ladies, but little girls, too! Prepubescent hussy costumes! Doesn’t anyone see that a sexed-up Hello Kitty costume for a 9 year old girl is jus’ WRONG?!  I mean don’t their daddies care? If I was was a daddy _ I mean I can’t be because they cut off my junk before I was old enough to be a daddy – BUT if I were one, I would not want my little girl dressed up as a slutty pumpkin!

I mean I understand that some ladies – LADIES, NOT little girls – may want to feel a little sexy, ’cause maybe they don’t get to dress sexy much, but sheeesh then go for the Play Boy Bunny or “dirty teacher”, but don’t sex-up dinosaurs! I mean I’M an animal and I don’t find dinosaurs “sexy”!

And you know, also I think there’s no creativity in the slut costumes…just take any ol’ idea and show some cleavage and crotch and there you go! Look! I’m a skanky witch!

I realize I may be all alone in my viewpoint…it’s a rare dude doesn’t like a lot of skin, but there’s a lot to be said for what I call the “librarian effect”. You know, a little mystery, little anticipation of what lies underneath…but hey I’m a Chi what the heck do I know, right?

So, jus’ sayin’ that Ho’oween costumes don’t make me think “OOOOO, she’s hot.” I think “OOoo, good thing I got my shots!”
Peace and peas,
Pete

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So I’M The A-Hole?

Ok, so mom tells me I’m an a-hole from time to time. Well, pruddy much every time I snarl and bark at another dog. Which, ok, I have to admit is almost every time I see one on a leash. But a, uh, compact dude like myself, we gotta walk tall, show we’re tough. According to mother that’s being an a-hole. I disagree. I call it not being a victim. Proactive, you know.

So, yeah, I get carried away sometimes, get to feeling my power and I may become a little overzealous. It happens. I mean what good is being alive if a guy can’t get a little crazy now and again, right?

Ok, anyway, so I think MOM is an a-hole, too. I’m sorry, I love her, she’s awesome, gives me sugar snap peas (they’re delicious), but she’s crossed a line. I’ve lost trust and it will take some time to get it back, you know. What did she do you ask?

She took me into the pool. A swimming pool! Like with deep water. Oh she thought it would be funny – ha ha – to get the chi wet. She thought it would cool me off because she thought I was hot. Well, that’s what the hell shade is for. Not water. Not for a chi. We. Don’t. Like. Water. Hate it.

Oh yes, I tolerate the bath, cause well, you know, a guy likes to stay clean. I’m mature enough to realize that baths are a necessary evil of not offending others. I want people to pet me, and I understand they may shy away if I have too much funk goin’ on. I don’t want them to say “Oh looook at that cute chi (cause they do, they say I’m cute) he’s so cute, but man is he stinky. Don’t pet him, he smells like Mastiff butt.”

Anyway, giving me a bath, that’s different than carrying a guy INTO the pool. Carried me in over her shoulder. She got my junk wet.

You know I gotta say it…she…well, she pissed me off. Yeah, she did. I couldn’t even look at her for an hour. Damn sure wasn’t going anywhere near her. Oh she knew she did wrong, she knew. I made sure of it. I gave her the best stink-eye I could muster. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of my stink eye, you’ll feel it down in your soul. If you have one, mom.

<SIGH> So, of course I’m finding it in my heart to forgive her. She does feed me pruddy good stuff, after all. I mean she could feed me MORE good stuff, but I don’t really want to be a tubbo, super-sized chi. I gotta stay at my fightin’ weight. So I got respect her for that, too, keeping a check on my fightin’ weight. Some moms, they don’t care. They’re like “Oh, here baby, have more chicken fat, here, more steak, more Snausages…” And the poor helpless guy eats it up and pruddy soon he’s waddlin’ around like Orson Wells after a doughnut binge.

Anyway, so yeah, I’m forgiving her – slowly, but I jus’ want her to think next she’s calls ME as a-hole. She’s no “Miss Innocent”.

Peace to the Out,

Pete-man


Sacrilege of Holiday Candy Crossover

So, you know, I just want to say that I’m not the kind of guy to perpetuate (learned that word today watching the History Channel) hear-say or, you  know, talk in depth about things I haven’t personally experienced, but this issue needs addressing. Something mom told me.

Yeah, see, since “companion pets” – what I am supposed to be – are not permitted to participate in holiday shopping ‘cause we can’t go into the damn stores, I can’t personally witness the travesty that has befallen our holiday candy code, but I can tell you what mom saw. Oh, do you know the code? Well, for those of you who don’t know…

Holiday Candy Code:  Thou shalt not make or distribute a candy specific to one holiday during another holiday unrelated to that candy. Thus, thou shalt not change the color of said candy to make it marketable for the unrelated holiday.

Ok, see, mom went to the store and as she was perusing the Christmas candy, she began to notice something very disturbing… “other” holiday candy colored or altered to sell for Christmas.  See there are jus’ some candies that are specific to a particular holiday and it’s jus’ not right to sell it on any other holiday.

Like marshmallow peeps. What holiday do you think of when you see marshmallow candy? Right, Easter. You don’t think Christmas, right? No. Marshmallow peeps…any marshmallow candy, really, is for Easter. That’s it. But, she said she saw what appeared to marshmallow santas, red and green of course. But they were in the little cardboard coffins like the peeps come in – only they were santas. WE DON’T HAVE MARSHMALLOW CANDIES FOR CHRISTMAS!

Even worse though than the marshmallow imposters– better sit down –green and red candy corn! Candy corn. Candy freakin’ corn! For Christmas! Candy corn. Christmas. Blasphemy! First off, people barely want to eat those sugar-turd nuggets anyway, but on Christmas!? Seriously? Are they peppermint flavored, TOO? No,no,no,no. No.

You.  Jus’. Don’t. Do. It. You don’t.

I know I’m a pruddy young guy, but you know, I do have a sense of tradition. I have principles and guidelines I live by…and that includes holiday decrees. We just can’t be crossing over our holiday candies. No. I mean, then no candy will be special, we will just be like, “Oh, more snot-filled Cadbury… Santas…or ghosts…turkeys.” Cadbury snot EGGSs are for EASTER. No other time.

And then we lose our holiday candy identity. I mean, when someone says ‘candy corn’, don’t you automatically think (well, other than “gag”) ‘Halloween’, right? Well if you we have it for every freakin’ holiday then it means nuthin’. Nuthin’.  Jus’ “Oh, there’s crappy corn again…red, white and blue this time.”

Oh and that reminds me of one other thing we need to address, ‘cause, you know, it goes along with the whole holiday code/keeping it pure kinda thing…Holidays have their own colors, too, see. Black and orange for Halloween…earthy colors like orange, brown, yellow for Thanksgiving ‘cause it’s like the pretty leaves changing on the trees. Red, white and blue for the 4th of July ‘cause that’s our country’s birthday and those are our flag colors. Pastelly blues, yellows and pinks – other than being for sissies and that Hilton twit that tortures her Chi with stupid, claustrophobic, nancy-boy clothes – are for Easter. Just Easter. Not Christmas! Do you hear me? Not for Christmas!

Christmas colors are red, green and silver, damn it! Oh and maybe gold ‘cause some jingle bells might be gold…oh and I guess one of those wise dudes brought the baby Jesus gold for a present. Nice present.

Anyway, so why do I see Christmas lights that are bluuue and piiiink and yelloooow? Huh? Stop it!

Ok, I’m getting myself worked up. I am a pruddy relaxed kind of guy, so I don’t like getting all agro, but, you know, what happens if we don’t maintain certain standards? There will be no more special colors or candy or symbols if we keep diluting everything. I mean, hell , why don’t we start trick-or-treating for Thanksgiving? Knock on a door… “trick or turkey, got any left-overs?” Or start hanging colored eggs from Christmas trees? Or dress up as mad, vampire bunnies for Easter?

I mean aren’t traditions and standards important? Otherwise it’s all the same, nothing is special or different or appreciated because you no longer have to wait for it. When you have everything all the time, nothing is special. I mean, like if I got chicken all the time, it probably wouldn’t be so special anymore. I’d be like “Oh, chicken again. Cool.” Or like having turkey for Thanksgiving dinner… I mean there’s no solid reason why have to have turkey, then. And, you know, some people are jus’ a little too smug about not having a traditional dinner, that’s their choice, fine. But, isn’t it kind of fun to have that tradition? Isn’t it nice to look forward to that standard? Otherwise it jus’ becomes another big ass gluttonous dinner, right?

Ok, and just real quick – cause I could go on – it’s ok to wish people a ‘Merry Christmas’! Dang it. Stop worrying about ‘offending’ someone. I mean really. You know, if someone is actually offended by such a cheery salutation in honor of a loving, faith-filled holiday than they can SUCK IT! Seriously, if a pruddy decorated tree makes you upset then go to another country where people don’t put up Christmas trees.

So, to my all peeps, I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas!! And all the baby Jesus haters, to you as well…MERRY CHRISTMAS! SUCK IT!

Peace out,”

Petey ‘Merry Christmas’ McSweets