Tag Archives: Musings

“Pitcher” = Thunder Throat Punch

I am not joking here, the next person who says “pitcher” [pit-cher] when referring to a photo, gets throat punched like they’re in a Bruce Lee movie.

I may be just a Chi, but I have standards and I like to think of myself as educated kind of guy, you know? So, when I hear someone call a photo a pit-cher it makes me want to dip their lips in a hornet’s nest so maybe they have a reason for talking like a retard. Seriously.  And by the way, there IS supposed to be an “ly” on the end of that word, for those of you like to just say “Serious”.

So, little grammar lesson here, ok?…a pit-cher is either:  A. someone who stands on the pitcher’s mound and throws a baseball to the batter or; B. A receptacle for which to pour a beverage from, particularly beer – beer pitcher. A pit-cher and a picture are two different things and are pronounced DIFFERENTLY! See that? There is a “C” in one of them, pronounce it or you get throat punched!

A picture [pĭk′chər] is a photo. See the “C”? No “T”. Pic-ture. You know how lots of people refer to a photo as a “pic”? Yeah, you don’t hear them saying “Hey, I’ll send you my profile pit, do you ya? No. They say pic because it’s short for picture, damn it! PIC-freaking-TURE! Say it!

Look at this….

 

Pitcher FOr Pete's Blog

This is a picture of a pitcher. See that? I have no freaking idea what is happening to the dude’s arm though. That’s some weird alien crap happening there.

And hey, while this Chi is on a grammar rant here let’s discuss “your” versus “you’re”. Yep there are two of them folks. But all I see all around the internet – even from people who are supposed to know this – is “your” for it all.

Quick lesson:

You’re nuts. This means YOU ARE nuts. You are freaking bat-crap looney.
“You’re” is a contraction (like an abbreviation) for YOU ARE.

Your nuts. This means the nuts are yours. “Your” shows possession. Not like Linda Blair Exorcist possession, but like ownership…the nuts that belong to you, dude…your nuts are busted.

Get it? Learn it. Use it. Or I’m opening up another thunder throat punch!

Now for some calming, meditative yoga….

Peace out,

Petey Lee

Advertisements

My Jingle Bells In A Bunch

Ok, last year I did a little rant about the standards of holiday candy (see Sacrilege of Holiday Candy Crossover). Well, this year I gotta say I need to vent again about another holiday standard going down the pooper. You know, it’s Christmas time, I’m the kinda guy wants to be happy and merry and bask in the joy of the season. No, seriously I do. But this wrapping paper desecration has got my jingle bells in a bunch.

What, you ask is wrong with the holiday wrapping paper? Well, I’ll tell ya…it’s BLACK. Yeah, black! For Christmas! And I’m pretty sure it isn’t Jesus’s 50th birthday – but that’s the only time I’ve seen black wrapping paper used for anything. So, unless someone is doing some weird dog-year’s kinda math, black wrapping paper has no business being used for Christmas.

And the only thing I know associated with black during Christmas is COAL and coal is meant for bad kids, right? Didn’t kids used to be threatened with a gift of BLACK coal if they were bad? I jus’ get thteatened with no treats. Anyway, now, we have BLACK wrapping paper! Black is NOT a Christmas color – for the record neither is BLUE – unless you’re Elvis. Then you can have a blue Christmas all you want, but I don’t want to see blue paper or ornaments either …and I do.

I mean, black is usually associated with death and Halloween, right? H.A.L.L.O.W.E.E.N. Completely different holiday. So why the hell are we using it for CHRISTMAS paper when Christmas is about BIRTH, life, love. What, some atheist elf get promoted to a decision-making position at the gift wrapping factory?

Christmas colors are red, green, silver and gold. What is wrong with people that we can’t maintain traditions? Are we just bored with the same ol’ colors, is that it? Well why don’t we start decorating for Halloween in pink and yellow? Wouldn’t that be pretty?After all Halloween is all about “pretty” and doesn’t orange and black get “old”?

Why don’t we change the colors of award ribbons? The “blue” ribbon is boring…why don’t we start awarding ribbons in saying plaid? OR brown? Congratulations! You’ve won the first prize BROWN ribbon! Or change gold medals to black plastic. Gold is scarce anyway. Or hey! Let’s change the colors and shape of stop signs. Whatever color and shape they feel like making at the stop sign factory that day. No need to be consistent. Let’s do that with all traffic signs. No one will know what’s coming up or what to do until they can actually read the sign. Fun!

Do you want to buy chocolate bunnies and red-heart laden items say during the 4th of July? You “love” your country, right? So what’s the matter with hearts all over everything then? Forget Valentine’s Day, we’ll put hearts on stuff every holiday, and black cats and skeletons, too. And why don’t we make some black hearts and flowers on Valentine’s Day? It’s good enough for Christmas. Hell, why don’t we sell Christmas trees for Halloween…well I guess we practically do since Christmas decorations ARE coming out at stores before fricking Halloween.

Yeah, I know, it may seem insignificant, but if we have don’t have customs and standards there is no meaning to anything…everything is the same no matter the day, month or season. If we don’t maintain the things that are special and standard for each holiday, then NOTHING will be special. Don’t you want to have some things that make you think specifically of certain times of the year or holidays? Don’t you want a break from the ordinary?  Easter IS pastels. 4th of July IS red, white and blue. Halloween IS orange and black. And Christmas IS red and green.

And you know, Christmas is NOT “Winter Celebration”. I mean I know Christmas happens during winter, I’m not a stupid Chi, but kids can’t have Christmas parties in school anymore; they have to have “winter celebrations”. They can’t have red & green decorations, gotta be blue and white like…I guess, snow and frostbite. They can’t have Christmas trees, oh no, they have to be “holiday” trees. Do you know what I do on all trees that are not Christmas trees? I pee on them. I mean if it’s not a Christmas tree then it’s just a regular tree, like in the park. I pee on trees in the park.

Ok, anyway,…Christmas is a holiday…called…CHRISTMAS. Would the Jews call Hanukkah something different just because not “everyone” celebrates it? No. I sure as crap know the Muslims wouldn’t allow anyone to call Eid-Al-Fitr by any other name.

So, WHY are people so “offended” by calling Christmas, CHRISTMAS? That IS the holiday! If you don’t want to celebrate it that’s fine, but allow the rest of us that do to enjoy our songs and traditions that our families have for generations in this country.

Hey, how about if you’re so offended by salutations of joy and good will, gift-giving, songs of love and hope, pretty lights on an evergreen or plastic figures and animals in a pretend barn…why don’t those people not accept gifts, stay out of the stores and go to work while the rest of us enjoy family, treats, love, gifts and a couple days off?

I guess I’m an old-fashioned kinda Chi. I just don’t want anyone to take away my Christmas. Hey, Chi’s celebrate Christmas, too you know. I’m pruddy sure I’m getting some chicken treats.

So, Merry Christmas to you all…and to all a good night (jus’ wonderin’ what it would feel like to be Santa).

Peace and chicken,

Petey Kringle

 


Stop Picking on Charlie Brown & Christmas!

Ok, first, hasn’t Charlie Brown been picked on enough with Lucy pulling that darn football away from him every time?  Isn’t that enough? But now we got some tardweasel trying to take him off the air. I mean, I would think a guy would be smart enough to notice a pattern, you know, like “Hey she’s yanked the football before, maybe she jus’ might do it again.” Like when Elsa scared the beejeezuz out of me jumping out from dark corners. It only took me 3 times of that crap and I recognized the evil pattern.  Elsa is evil. So now I walk in the middle of the room. Always.

Sorry, this is about the raw deal Charlie Brown and Christmas are getting. So first, there was some cry-baby-pee-pants parent who wanted to have The Peanuts gang removed from airing on TV because he thought it promoted “bullying”. Yeah. Ok, dude have you SEEN any of the shows? Like I said, Lucy whisks the football away from Chuck all the time. But you automatically think a kid is going to beat up and steal your little Aiden’s iCrap because they watched The Great Pumpkin? Seriously? Maybe you should take away  “Call of Duty” or “Grand Theft Auto” first.

And could someone tell the Delicate Dan that kids have been “bullying” each other since before TV was even invented? Since before dogs were domesticated. Heck, I bet there were cave-kids bullying each other with clubs and snakes. Dude, they don’t get the idea from an innocuous cartoon about a giant pumpkin or the spirit of Christmas.

You know, teenagers’ brains aren’t fully developed so they are like retarded, drunken howler monkeys. They think up weird shit and sometimes do bad things. Has Daddy ever thought about oh, maybe taking some responsibility for the life he chose to produce and TEACH it “right and wrong”? Maaaaaybe, telling his precious squirt that what Lucy does is not very nice? Maybe then focus on the POSITIVE messages the REST OF THE DAMN SHOW HAS?

<Breathe> Sorry, I’m usually a mellow guy, but dang it, it gets my nuts in a knot. I mean, I don’t actually have nuts anymore, so of course I’m speaking figuratively. I like to say it though, makes me feel manly. Anyway, so NOW some stupid atheists are going after the “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown” special AND a local theatre rendition at a <GASP> church.

Kids at a school were going to go to the play as a field trip, but the atheists got their pentagram in a twist saying that it has “religious content” and is held in a religious venue, then citing the 1st Amendment. Um, do these Jesus-bashers know that it says “…freedom OF religion…” NOT freedom FROM religion?!  Meaning anyone can practice ANY RELIGION they want. Well, actually what it says is, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;…”.

So, you  know, I got to thinking – I can be a very pensive kind of dude – and what I want to ask these hypocrites is, why does God offend them so much, but Allah doesn’t? HUH? See, we can’t sing songs in schools that even mention God; can’t have a “CHRISTMAS” tree, has to be a f-ing “holiday tree” (vomit); they can’t say “Merry Christmas” because it might “offend” some Sensitive Sally (Hmm my Jewish friends never got offend by the INNOCENT, HAPPY sentiment); no way on having a nativity. BUT if they are SO concerned, too, with “separation of church and state”, why don’t they make a darn peep when children in a US school sing a RELIGIOUS  MUSLIM song? Yeah, that’s right, that’s what I said…a Muslim religious song. Here. In the US. In a school.  But they can’t sing “The First Noel” or have a “Christmas” party?! I mean, what the hell?

And a school somewhere else took children to a MOSQUE; you know a “religious venue” on a field trip. I’m pretty sure they weren’t having a Charlie Brown Christmas play either. No, they had them recite a Muslim prayer. A prayer. Now if it were a dang Christian prayer they would have gone bat-shit.

So, hypocritical haters, what’s your excuse? Where were you then? HUH? You don’t want to see or hear anything to do with a Christian God, but you’re perfectly fine with Islam? Isn’t that considered a religion? Aren’t you soul-suckers against ALL religion?

As an open-minded, understanding kind of Chi, I can’t understand how people can be frickin’ offended by a holiday that’s main message is peace, love and selfless giving. I mean, seriously?

You know, how empty does your life have to be to get your titties in a twist about a good-smelling evergreen with twinkly lights and sparkly glass balls or a salutation that is meant with the kindest of intention? I don’t have titties, but if I did they wouldn’t get in a twist if someone wished me, say, “Happy Hanukah” or Happy Mother’s Day. I’m not a mother, I’m a dude, but hey I wouldn’t get all agro about it…cause see I’m secure in who I am and I have more important things to think about…like if evil Elsa will try to eat me today.

Mom tells me that when she was young -not that long ago, I’m reminded-that there CHRISTMAS decorations everywhere…in stores, restaurants, gas stations, homes, town halls, frickin’ everywhere. She said every one wished each other Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukah and no one got offended by pretty decorations and good cheer. WTF, yo?

I don’t understand, but I”m jus’ a simple Chi with a simple life.

Well, mom and I are wishing EVERYONE a “Merry Christmas” wherever we go and mom decorated her car with the phrase “Merry Christmas”.  Hey, maybe we’re offended by people who are offended by Christmas.

So, here’s a shout out to the baby Jesus on his birthday and wish of a very Merry Christmas everyone, whether they like it or not.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, yo,
Pete, your Christmas elf.


Happy Ho’oween?

Ok, so as a Chihuahua I don’t particularly like to get dressed up. For anything. Especially Halloween. It’s jus’ not my style, I’m a commando kind of guy. I’m all about hanging out all the way, all the time. With that said, I can respect peeps who want to get dressed up on Halloween. That’s cool, that’s their choice and I’m all about choice..I like to have a choice between chicken and steak and cheese and sugar snap peas, apples with peanut butter…anyway…

So, I’m cool with other people getting their costume on. But what my curious Chi mind wants to know is what the hell is with all the whore costumes for ladies? I mean, seriously. A girl can’t just dress up as regular ol’ Pocahontas, now she has to look like Whorahontas. I mean there are some costumes that jus’ assume a little sluttiness, like you  know, say, a French Maid or a Go-Go dancer…or a hooker. But now, every darn costume made for the ladies has as much material as a shrunken thong. They take the most innocent costumes and strip it down and turn up the skank. Hey! Look at the  Zombie Tramp!

And this not jus’ an issue for grown ladies, but little girls, too! Prepubescent hussy costumes! Doesn’t anyone see that a sexed-up Hello Kitty costume for a 9 year old girl is jus’ WRONG?!  I mean don’t their daddies care? If I was was a daddy _ I mean I can’t be because they cut off my junk before I was old enough to be a daddy – BUT if I were one, I would not want my little girl dressed up as a slutty pumpkin!

I mean I understand that some ladies – LADIES, NOT little girls – may want to feel a little sexy, ’cause maybe they don’t get to dress sexy much, but sheeesh then go for the Play Boy Bunny or “dirty teacher”, but don’t sex-up dinosaurs! I mean I’M an animal and I don’t find dinosaurs “sexy”!

And you know, also I think there’s no creativity in the slut costumes…just take any ol’ idea and show some cleavage and crotch and there you go! Look! I’m a skanky witch!

I realize I may be all alone in my viewpoint…it’s a rare dude doesn’t like a lot of skin, but there’s a lot to be said for what I call the “librarian effect”. You know, a little mystery, little anticipation of what lies underneath…but hey I’m a Chi what the heck do I know, right?

So, jus’ sayin’ that Ho’oween costumes don’t make me think “OOOOO, she’s hot.” I think “OOoo, good thing I got my shots!”
Peace and peas,
Pete


So I’M The A-Hole?

Ok, so mom tells me I’m an a-hole from time to time. Well, pruddy much every time I snarl and bark at another dog. Which, ok, I have to admit is almost every time I see one on a leash. But a, uh, compact dude like myself, we gotta walk tall, show we’re tough. According to mother that’s being an a-hole. I disagree. I call it not being a victim. Proactive, you know.

So, yeah, I get carried away sometimes, get to feeling my power and I may become a little overzealous. It happens. I mean what good is being alive if a guy can’t get a little crazy now and again, right?

Ok, anyway, so I think MOM is an a-hole, too. I’m sorry, I love her, she’s awesome, gives me sugar snap peas (they’re delicious), but she’s crossed a line. I’ve lost trust and it will take some time to get it back, you know. What did she do you ask?

She took me into the pool. A swimming pool! Like with deep water. Oh she thought it would be funny – ha ha – to get the chi wet. She thought it would cool me off because she thought I was hot. Well, that’s what the hell shade is for. Not water. Not for a chi. We. Don’t. Like. Water. Hate it.

Oh yes, I tolerate the bath, cause well, you know, a guy likes to stay clean. I’m mature enough to realize that baths are a necessary evil of not offending others. I want people to pet me, and I understand they may shy away if I have too much funk goin’ on. I don’t want them to say “Oh looook at that cute chi (cause they do, they say I’m cute) he’s so cute, but man is he stinky. Don’t pet him, he smells like Mastiff butt.”

Anyway, giving me a bath, that’s different than carrying a guy INTO the pool. Carried me in over her shoulder. She got my junk wet.

You know I gotta say it…she…well, she pissed me off. Yeah, she did. I couldn’t even look at her for an hour. Damn sure wasn’t going anywhere near her. Oh she knew she did wrong, she knew. I made sure of it. I gave her the best stink-eye I could muster. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of my stink eye, you’ll feel it down in your soul. If you have one, mom.

<SIGH> So, of course I’m finding it in my heart to forgive her. She does feed me pruddy good stuff, after all. I mean she could feed me MORE good stuff, but I don’t really want to be a tubbo, super-sized chi. I gotta stay at my fightin’ weight. So I got respect her for that, too, keeping a check on my fightin’ weight. Some moms, they don’t care. They’re like “Oh, here baby, have more chicken fat, here, more steak, more Snausages…” And the poor helpless guy eats it up and pruddy soon he’s waddlin’ around like Orson Wells after a doughnut binge.

Anyway, so yeah, I’m forgiving her – slowly, but I jus’ want her to think next she’s calls ME as a-hole. She’s no “Miss Innocent”.

Peace to the Out,

Pete-man


Sacrilege of Holiday Candy Crossover

So, you know, I just want to say that I’m not the kind of guy to perpetuate (learned that word today watching the History Channel) hear-say or, you  know, talk in depth about things I haven’t personally experienced, but this issue needs addressing. Something mom told me.

Yeah, see, since “companion pets” – what I am supposed to be – are not permitted to participate in holiday shopping ‘cause we can’t go into the damn stores, I can’t personally witness the travesty that has befallen our holiday candy code, but I can tell you what mom saw. Oh, do you know the code? Well, for those of you who don’t know…

Holiday Candy Code:  Thou shalt not make or distribute a candy specific to one holiday during another holiday unrelated to that candy. Thus, thou shalt not change the color of said candy to make it marketable for the unrelated holiday.

Ok, see, mom went to the store and as she was perusing the Christmas candy, she began to notice something very disturbing… “other” holiday candy colored or altered to sell for Christmas.  See there are jus’ some candies that are specific to a particular holiday and it’s jus’ not right to sell it on any other holiday.

Like marshmallow peeps. What holiday do you think of when you see marshmallow candy? Right, Easter. You don’t think Christmas, right? No. Marshmallow peeps…any marshmallow candy, really, is for Easter. That’s it. But, she said she saw what appeared to marshmallow santas, red and green of course. But they were in the little cardboard coffins like the peeps come in – only they were santas. WE DON’T HAVE MARSHMALLOW CANDIES FOR CHRISTMAS!

Even worse though than the marshmallow imposters– better sit down –green and red candy corn! Candy corn. Candy freakin’ corn! For Christmas! Candy corn. Christmas. Blasphemy! First off, people barely want to eat those sugar-turd nuggets anyway, but on Christmas!? Seriously? Are they peppermint flavored, TOO? No,no,no,no. No.

You.  Jus’. Don’t. Do. It. You don’t.

I know I’m a pruddy young guy, but you know, I do have a sense of tradition. I have principles and guidelines I live by…and that includes holiday decrees. We just can’t be crossing over our holiday candies. No. I mean, then no candy will be special, we will just be like, “Oh, more snot-filled Cadbury… Santas…or ghosts…turkeys.” Cadbury snot EGGSs are for EASTER. No other time.

And then we lose our holiday candy identity. I mean, when someone says ‘candy corn’, don’t you automatically think (well, other than “gag”) ‘Halloween’, right? Well if you we have it for every freakin’ holiday then it means nuthin’. Nuthin’.  Jus’ “Oh, there’s crappy corn again…red, white and blue this time.”

Oh and that reminds me of one other thing we need to address, ‘cause, you know, it goes along with the whole holiday code/keeping it pure kinda thing…Holidays have their own colors, too, see. Black and orange for Halloween…earthy colors like orange, brown, yellow for Thanksgiving ‘cause it’s like the pretty leaves changing on the trees. Red, white and blue for the 4th of July ‘cause that’s our country’s birthday and those are our flag colors. Pastelly blues, yellows and pinks – other than being for sissies and that Hilton twit that tortures her Chi with stupid, claustrophobic, nancy-boy clothes – are for Easter. Just Easter. Not Christmas! Do you hear me? Not for Christmas!

Christmas colors are red, green and silver, damn it! Oh and maybe gold ‘cause some jingle bells might be gold…oh and I guess one of those wise dudes brought the baby Jesus gold for a present. Nice present.

Anyway, so why do I see Christmas lights that are bluuue and piiiink and yelloooow? Huh? Stop it!

Ok, I’m getting myself worked up. I am a pruddy relaxed kind of guy, so I don’t like getting all agro, but, you know, what happens if we don’t maintain certain standards? There will be no more special colors or candy or symbols if we keep diluting everything. I mean, hell , why don’t we start trick-or-treating for Thanksgiving? Knock on a door… “trick or turkey, got any left-overs?” Or start hanging colored eggs from Christmas trees? Or dress up as mad, vampire bunnies for Easter?

I mean aren’t traditions and standards important? Otherwise it’s all the same, nothing is special or different or appreciated because you no longer have to wait for it. When you have everything all the time, nothing is special. I mean, like if I got chicken all the time, it probably wouldn’t be so special anymore. I’d be like “Oh, chicken again. Cool.” Or like having turkey for Thanksgiving dinner… I mean there’s no solid reason why have to have turkey, then. And, you know, some people are jus’ a little too smug about not having a traditional dinner, that’s their choice, fine. But, isn’t it kind of fun to have that tradition? Isn’t it nice to look forward to that standard? Otherwise it jus’ becomes another big ass gluttonous dinner, right?

Ok, and just real quick – cause I could go on – it’s ok to wish people a ‘Merry Christmas’! Dang it. Stop worrying about ‘offending’ someone. I mean really. You know, if someone is actually offended by such a cheery salutation in honor of a loving, faith-filled holiday than they can SUCK IT! Seriously, if a pruddy decorated tree makes you upset then go to another country where people don’t put up Christmas trees.

So, to my all peeps, I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas!! And all the baby Jesus haters, to you as well…MERRY CHRISTMAS! SUCK IT!

Peace out,”

Petey ‘Merry Christmas’ McSweets