Tag Archives: Life

Dirty Devil In The Bed

So, I’m the kind of guy likes to talk about important stuff. You know like the state of the nation, stupid people, matters of the heart and soul, things like that outside of my little Chi world.  But, sometimes the little things need discussing, too. I need to get out the little ass-itching stuff, you know, so I don’t combust, become an ass hole.

I mean, mom says I’m an ass hole to other dogs when we’re out walking, but I prefer to say I’m being preemptive. You never know when you let down your guard if another fella is gonna take advantage of your neighborly manner. Good guys like me get taken for a ride every day and it’s not in the we’re-ridin’-to-the-beach-and-then-to-PetSmart- for-treats kind of ride. So a little h’ordeuvre attitude is just being smart.

Anyway, back to my reason for venting. See, if I want to sleep on the bed with mom, I have to share it with Gussy and the devil. You all know I call Elsa the devil, ‘cause, well, she is; for more elaboration on my reasoning visit Elsa’s page on this site. Her devil status is explained in detail.

Ok, so sharing the bed with Gussy is not too bad once he gets settled. He has a good heart (Elsa has no heart or soul), but sometimes he doesn’t understand “personal space”. Mom says it’s because he’s a genuinely sweet guy. And a little simple, the guy is simple. I have to wonder why the hell it takes him 3 hours just to walk from the bottom of the bed to the top. I wonder if he thinks he’ll get the bends if he goes too fast.

When Elsa gets on the bed, though, you never know what’s gonna go down. Sometimes she likes to screw with me and rub her beelzebub head against me as if she likes me. I don’t fall for that shit, but mom MAKES me let her! WTF, yo? (Learned me some ghetto lingo.) The unholy ALWAYS has ulterior motives. Always.

Other times her true essence comes out and she bitch-swats Gussy out of the blue. Poor dumb bear is just lying there enjoying his unconsciousness and… BAM! BAM! …Satan thumped by Elsa. Then when he wakes, ripped out of his simple slumber, Elsa hisses her breath-of-the- dead in his face. You know, I don’t know why he just doesn’t bite her in the ass. Well, actually I wouldn’t take that chance, either. His teeth could fall out or his face could melt like that freaky dude with the glasses when the ark is opened in Indian Jones.

So, last night we’re all tucked in bed, sleeping soundly. I got my spot behind mom’s legs and for once she’s not flopping around and fidgeting. She bumps me once in a while, she’s dreaming of spiders or running from vampires and sometimes gets a little twitchy. Anyway, so I’m a cozy Chi, dreaming of running like the wind down the beach chasing seagulls, when I’m rudely pulled back into consciousness by the bed shaking…why is the hell bed shaking?

I look up and see Elsa with her Lucifer leg up in the air, like she’s doing yoga, and her head in her stinky parts, furiously cleaning herself!  What the hell did she have going on down there that she’s moving the bed like that? The bed was shaking like monkeys were jumping rope on it.

I was perturbed, you know, so I got up and went to my bed. But she woke mom, too, and mom has no other bed to go to.  First mom whispered for Elsa to stop – yeah right. She just kept licking and sucking. Eeww – makes me nauseous to think about it. Anyway, so then mom tries shaking Elsa. Nope. She keeps going. Next, mom tried to pet her. Well, that works for the 2 seconds she pet her, then the serpent was right back cleaning its hell hole.

Then I hear mom tell Elsa she smells like shit. Well, duh! The devil doesn’t smell like daisies. By then mom had had enough and actually shoved her off the bed. Woot! Elsa hit the floor on all fours with an angry, wicked screech.  But then, then Elsa comes back 3 minutes later. Back up on the bed…and continues her devil deep cleaning! The nerve, you know? The diablo cares not.

Now, mom was really irritated and with damn good reason. That shit-smelling, bed-shaking furry malevolence had no regard for the other sleeping members of family or the fact that mom has to get up early to earn money to buy her evil ass stinky cat food. Selfish.

Mom shoved her off once more and it worked, but I was worried. You can’t get too bossy with the hell dweller. I was worried she would try to eat mom while she slept. She’d start with her larynx so mom couldn’t cry for help. Personally, I think mom should spray her with holy water and set her on fire. Just in case.

 

 

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Stop Picking on Charlie Brown & Christmas!

Ok, first, hasn’t Charlie Brown been picked on enough with Lucy pulling that darn football away from him every time?  Isn’t that enough? But now we got some tardweasel trying to take him off the air. I mean, I would think a guy would be smart enough to notice a pattern, you know, like “Hey she’s yanked the football before, maybe she jus’ might do it again.” Like when Elsa scared the beejeezuz out of me jumping out from dark corners. It only took me 3 times of that crap and I recognized the evil pattern.  Elsa is evil. So now I walk in the middle of the room. Always.

Sorry, this is about the raw deal Charlie Brown and Christmas are getting. So first, there was some cry-baby-pee-pants parent who wanted to have The Peanuts gang removed from airing on TV because he thought it promoted “bullying”. Yeah. Ok, dude have you SEEN any of the shows? Like I said, Lucy whisks the football away from Chuck all the time. But you automatically think a kid is going to beat up and steal your little Aiden’s iCrap because they watched The Great Pumpkin? Seriously? Maybe you should take away  “Call of Duty” or “Grand Theft Auto” first.

And could someone tell the Delicate Dan that kids have been “bullying” each other since before TV was even invented? Since before dogs were domesticated. Heck, I bet there were cave-kids bullying each other with clubs and snakes. Dude, they don’t get the idea from an innocuous cartoon about a giant pumpkin or the spirit of Christmas.

You know, teenagers’ brains aren’t fully developed so they are like retarded, drunken howler monkeys. They think up weird shit and sometimes do bad things. Has Daddy ever thought about oh, maybe taking some responsibility for the life he chose to produce and TEACH it “right and wrong”? Maaaaaybe, telling his precious squirt that what Lucy does is not very nice? Maybe then focus on the POSITIVE messages the REST OF THE DAMN SHOW HAS?

<Breathe> Sorry, I’m usually a mellow guy, but dang it, it gets my nuts in a knot. I mean, I don’t actually have nuts anymore, so of course I’m speaking figuratively. I like to say it though, makes me feel manly. Anyway, so NOW some stupid atheists are going after the “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown” special AND a local theatre rendition at a <GASP> church.

Kids at a school were going to go to the play as a field trip, but the atheists got their pentagram in a twist saying that it has “religious content” and is held in a religious venue, then citing the 1st Amendment. Um, do these Jesus-bashers know that it says “…freedom OF religion…” NOT freedom FROM religion?!  Meaning anyone can practice ANY RELIGION they want. Well, actually what it says is, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;…”.

So, you  know, I got to thinking – I can be a very pensive kind of dude – and what I want to ask these hypocrites is, why does God offend them so much, but Allah doesn’t? HUH? See, we can’t sing songs in schools that even mention God; can’t have a “CHRISTMAS” tree, has to be a f-ing “holiday tree” (vomit); they can’t say “Merry Christmas” because it might “offend” some Sensitive Sally (Hmm my Jewish friends never got offend by the INNOCENT, HAPPY sentiment); no way on having a nativity. BUT if they are SO concerned, too, with “separation of church and state”, why don’t they make a darn peep when children in a US school sing a RELIGIOUS  MUSLIM song? Yeah, that’s right, that’s what I said…a Muslim religious song. Here. In the US. In a school.  But they can’t sing “The First Noel” or have a “Christmas” party?! I mean, what the hell?

And a school somewhere else took children to a MOSQUE; you know a “religious venue” on a field trip. I’m pretty sure they weren’t having a Charlie Brown Christmas play either. No, they had them recite a Muslim prayer. A prayer. Now if it were a dang Christian prayer they would have gone bat-shit.

So, hypocritical haters, what’s your excuse? Where were you then? HUH? You don’t want to see or hear anything to do with a Christian God, but you’re perfectly fine with Islam? Isn’t that considered a religion? Aren’t you soul-suckers against ALL religion?

As an open-minded, understanding kind of Chi, I can’t understand how people can be frickin’ offended by a holiday that’s main message is peace, love and selfless giving. I mean, seriously?

You know, how empty does your life have to be to get your titties in a twist about a good-smelling evergreen with twinkly lights and sparkly glass balls or a salutation that is meant with the kindest of intention? I don’t have titties, but if I did they wouldn’t get in a twist if someone wished me, say, “Happy Hanukah” or Happy Mother’s Day. I’m not a mother, I’m a dude, but hey I wouldn’t get all agro about it…cause see I’m secure in who I am and I have more important things to think about…like if evil Elsa will try to eat me today.

Mom tells me that when she was young -not that long ago, I’m reminded-that there CHRISTMAS decorations everywhere…in stores, restaurants, gas stations, homes, town halls, frickin’ everywhere. She said every one wished each other Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukah and no one got offended by pretty decorations and good cheer. WTF, yo?

I don’t understand, but I”m jus’ a simple Chi with a simple life.

Well, mom and I are wishing EVERYONE a “Merry Christmas” wherever we go and mom decorated her car with the phrase “Merry Christmas”.  Hey, maybe we’re offended by people who are offended by Christmas.

So, here’s a shout out to the baby Jesus on his birthday and wish of a very Merry Christmas everyone, whether they like it or not.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, yo,
Pete, your Christmas elf.


So I’M The A-Hole?

Ok, so mom tells me I’m an a-hole from time to time. Well, pruddy much every time I snarl and bark at another dog. Which, ok, I have to admit is almost every time I see one on a leash. But a, uh, compact dude like myself, we gotta walk tall, show we’re tough. According to mother that’s being an a-hole. I disagree. I call it not being a victim. Proactive, you know.

So, yeah, I get carried away sometimes, get to feeling my power and I may become a little overzealous. It happens. I mean what good is being alive if a guy can’t get a little crazy now and again, right?

Ok, anyway, so I think MOM is an a-hole, too. I’m sorry, I love her, she’s awesome, gives me sugar snap peas (they’re delicious), but she’s crossed a line. I’ve lost trust and it will take some time to get it back, you know. What did she do you ask?

She took me into the pool. A swimming pool! Like with deep water. Oh she thought it would be funny – ha ha – to get the chi wet. She thought it would cool me off because she thought I was hot. Well, that’s what the hell shade is for. Not water. Not for a chi. We. Don’t. Like. Water. Hate it.

Oh yes, I tolerate the bath, cause well, you know, a guy likes to stay clean. I’m mature enough to realize that baths are a necessary evil of not offending others. I want people to pet me, and I understand they may shy away if I have too much funk goin’ on. I don’t want them to say “Oh looook at that cute chi (cause they do, they say I’m cute) he’s so cute, but man is he stinky. Don’t pet him, he smells like Mastiff butt.”

Anyway, giving me a bath, that’s different than carrying a guy INTO the pool. Carried me in over her shoulder. She got my junk wet.

You know I gotta say it…she…well, she pissed me off. Yeah, she did. I couldn’t even look at her for an hour. Damn sure wasn’t going anywhere near her. Oh she knew she did wrong, she knew. I made sure of it. I gave her the best stink-eye I could muster. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of my stink eye, you’ll feel it down in your soul. If you have one, mom.

<SIGH> So, of course I’m finding it in my heart to forgive her. She does feed me pruddy good stuff, after all. I mean she could feed me MORE good stuff, but I don’t really want to be a tubbo, super-sized chi. I gotta stay at my fightin’ weight. So I got respect her for that, too, keeping a check on my fightin’ weight. Some moms, they don’t care. They’re like “Oh, here baby, have more chicken fat, here, more steak, more Snausages…” And the poor helpless guy eats it up and pruddy soon he’s waddlin’ around like Orson Wells after a doughnut binge.

Anyway, so yeah, I’m forgiving her – slowly, but I jus’ want her to think next she’s calls ME as a-hole. She’s no “Miss Innocent”.

Peace to the Out,

Pete-man