So, you know, I just want to say that I’m not the kind of guy to perpetuate (learned that word today watching the History Channel) hear-say or, you know, talk in depth about things I haven’t personally experienced, but this issue needs addressing. Something mom told me.
Yeah, see, since “companion pets” – what I am supposed to be – are not permitted to participate in holiday shopping ‘cause we can’t go into the damn stores, I can’t personally witness the travesty that has befallen our holiday candy code, but I can tell you what mom saw. Oh, do you know the code? Well, for those of you who don’t know…
Holiday Candy Code: Thou shalt not make or distribute a candy specific to one holiday during another holiday unrelated to that candy. Thus, thou shalt not change the color of said candy to make it marketable for the unrelated holiday.
Ok, see, mom went to the store and as she was perusing the Christmas candy, she began to notice something very disturbing… “other” holiday candy colored or altered to sell for Christmas. See there are jus’ some candies that are specific to a particular holiday and it’s jus’ not right to sell it on any other holiday.
Like marshmallow peeps. What holiday do you think of when you see marshmallow candy? Right, Easter. You don’t think Christmas, right? No. Marshmallow peeps…any marshmallow candy, really, is for Easter. That’s it. But, she said she saw what appeared to marshmallow santas, red and green of course. But they were in the little cardboard coffins like the peeps come in – only they were santas. WE DON’T HAVE MARSHMALLOW CANDIES FOR CHRISTMAS!
Even worse though than the marshmallow imposters– better sit down –green and red candy corn! Candy corn. Candy freakin’ corn! For Christmas! Candy corn. Christmas. Blasphemy! First off, people barely want to eat those sugar-turd nuggets anyway, but on Christmas!? Seriously? Are they peppermint flavored, TOO? No,no,no,no. No.
You. Jus’. Don’t. Do. It. You don’t.
I know I’m a pruddy young guy, but you know, I do have a sense of tradition. I have principles and guidelines I live by…and that includes holiday decrees. We just can’t be crossing over our holiday candies. No. I mean, then no candy will be special, we will just be like, “Oh, more snot-filled Cadbury… Santas…or ghosts…turkeys.” Cadbury snot EGGSs are for EASTER. No other time.
And then we lose our holiday candy identity. I mean, when someone says ‘candy corn’, don’t you automatically think (well, other than “gag”) ‘Halloween’, right? Well if you we have it for every freakin’ holiday then it means nuthin’. Nuthin’. Jus’ “Oh, there’s crappy corn again…red, white and blue this time.”
Oh and that reminds me of one other thing we need to address, ‘cause, you know, it goes along with the whole holiday code/keeping it pure kinda thing…Holidays have their own colors, too, see. Black and orange for Halloween…earthy colors like orange, brown, yellow for Thanksgiving ‘cause it’s like the pretty leaves changing on the trees. Red, white and blue for the 4th of July ‘cause that’s our country’s birthday and those are our flag colors. Pastelly blues, yellows and pinks – other than being for sissies and that Hilton twit that tortures her Chi with stupid, claustrophobic, nancy-boy clothes – are for Easter. Just Easter. Not Christmas! Do you hear me? Not for Christmas!
Christmas colors are red, green and silver, damn it! Oh and maybe gold ‘cause some jingle bells might be gold…oh and I guess one of those wise dudes brought the baby Jesus gold for a present. Nice present.
Anyway, so why do I see Christmas lights that are bluuue and piiiink and yelloooow? Huh? Stop it!
Ok, I’m getting myself worked up. I am a pruddy relaxed kind of guy, so I don’t like getting all agro, but, you know, what happens if we don’t maintain certain standards? There will be no more special colors or candy or symbols if we keep diluting everything. I mean, hell , why don’t we start trick-or-treating for Thanksgiving? Knock on a door… “trick or turkey, got any left-overs?” Or start hanging colored eggs from Christmas trees? Or dress up as mad, vampire bunnies for Easter?
I mean aren’t traditions and standards important? Otherwise it’s all the same, nothing is special or different or appreciated because you no longer have to wait for it. When you have everything all the time, nothing is special. I mean, like if I got chicken all the time, it probably wouldn’t be so special anymore. I’d be like “Oh, chicken again. Cool.” Or like having turkey for Thanksgiving dinner… I mean there’s no solid reason why have to have turkey, then. And, you know, some people are jus’ a little too smug about not having a traditional dinner, that’s their choice, fine. But, isn’t it kind of fun to have that tradition? Isn’t it nice to look forward to that standard? Otherwise it jus’ becomes another big ass gluttonous dinner, right?
Ok, and just real quick – cause I could go on – it’s ok to wish people a ‘Merry Christmas’! Dang it. Stop worrying about ‘offending’ someone. I mean really. You know, if someone is actually offended by such a cheery salutation in honor of a loving, faith-filled holiday than they can SUCK IT! Seriously, if a pruddy decorated tree makes you upset then go to another country where people don’t put up Christmas trees.
So, to my all peeps, I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas!! And all the baby Jesus haters, to you as well…MERRY CHRISTMAS! SUCK IT!
Petey ‘Merry Christmas’ McSweets