Tag Archives: Holidays

My Jingle Bells In A Bunch

Ok, last year I did a little rant about the standards of holiday candy (see Sacrilege of Holiday Candy Crossover). Well, this year I gotta say I need to vent again about another holiday standard going down the pooper. You know, it’s Christmas time, I’m the kinda guy wants to be happy and merry and bask in the joy of the season. No, seriously I do. But this wrapping paper desecration has got my jingle bells in a bunch.

What, you ask is wrong with the holiday wrapping paper? Well, I’ll tell ya…it’s BLACK. Yeah, black! For Christmas! And I’m pretty sure it isn’t Jesus’s 50th birthday – but that’s the only time I’ve seen black wrapping paper used for anything. So, unless someone is doing some weird dog-year’s kinda math, black wrapping paper has no business being used for Christmas.

And the only thing I know associated with black during Christmas is COAL and coal is meant for bad kids, right? Didn’t kids used to be threatened with a gift of BLACK coal if they were bad? I jus’ get thteatened with no treats. Anyway, now, we have BLACK wrapping paper! Black is NOT a Christmas color – for the record neither is BLUE – unless you’re Elvis. Then you can have a blue Christmas all you want, but I don’t want to see blue paper or ornaments either …and I do.

I mean, black is usually associated with death and Halloween, right? H.A.L.L.O.W.E.E.N. Completely different holiday. So why the hell are we using it for CHRISTMAS paper when Christmas is about BIRTH, life, love. What, some atheist elf get promoted to a decision-making position at the gift wrapping factory?

Christmas colors are red, green, silver and gold. What is wrong with people that we can’t maintain traditions? Are we just bored with the same ol’ colors, is that it? Well why don’t we start decorating for Halloween in pink and yellow? Wouldn’t that be pretty?After all Halloween is all about “pretty” and doesn’t orange and black get “old”?

Why don’t we change the colors of award ribbons? The “blue” ribbon is boring…why don’t we start awarding ribbons in saying plaid? OR brown? Congratulations! You’ve won the first prize BROWN ribbon! Or change gold medals to black plastic. Gold is scarce anyway. Or hey! Let’s change the colors and shape of stop signs. Whatever color and shape they feel like making at the stop sign factory that day. No need to be consistent. Let’s do that with all traffic signs. No one will know what’s coming up or what to do until they can actually read the sign. Fun!

Do you want to buy chocolate bunnies and red-heart laden items say during the 4th of July? You “love” your country, right? So what’s the matter with hearts all over everything then? Forget Valentine’s Day, we’ll put hearts on stuff every holiday, and black cats and skeletons, too. And why don’t we make some black hearts and flowers on Valentine’s Day? It’s good enough for Christmas. Hell, why don’t we sell Christmas trees for Halloween…well I guess we practically do since Christmas decorations ARE coming out at stores before fricking Halloween.

Yeah, I know, it may seem insignificant, but if we have don’t have customs and standards there is no meaning to anything…everything is the same no matter the day, month or season. If we don’t maintain the things that are special and standard for each holiday, then NOTHING will be special. Don’t you want to have some things that make you think specifically of certain times of the year or holidays? Don’t you want a break from the ordinary?  Easter IS pastels. 4th of July IS red, white and blue. Halloween IS orange and black. And Christmas IS red and green.

And you know, Christmas is NOT “Winter Celebration”. I mean I know Christmas happens during winter, I’m not a stupid Chi, but kids can’t have Christmas parties in school anymore; they have to have “winter celebrations”. They can’t have red & green decorations, gotta be blue and white like…I guess, snow and frostbite. They can’t have Christmas trees, oh no, they have to be “holiday” trees. Do you know what I do on all trees that are not Christmas trees? I pee on them. I mean if it’s not a Christmas tree then it’s just a regular tree, like in the park. I pee on trees in the park.

Ok, anyway,…Christmas is a holiday…called…CHRISTMAS. Would the Jews call Hanukkah something different just because not “everyone” celebrates it? No. I sure as crap know the Muslims wouldn’t allow anyone to call Eid-Al-Fitr by any other name.

So, WHY are people so “offended” by calling Christmas, CHRISTMAS? That IS the holiday! If you don’t want to celebrate it that’s fine, but allow the rest of us that do to enjoy our songs and traditions that our families have for generations in this country.

Hey, how about if you’re so offended by salutations of joy and good will, gift-giving, songs of love and hope, pretty lights on an evergreen or plastic figures and animals in a pretend barn…why don’t those people not accept gifts, stay out of the stores and go to work while the rest of us enjoy family, treats, love, gifts and a couple days off?

I guess I’m an old-fashioned kinda Chi. I just don’t want anyone to take away my Christmas. Hey, Chi’s celebrate Christmas, too you know. I’m pruddy sure I’m getting some chicken treats.

So, Merry Christmas to you all…and to all a good night (jus’ wonderin’ what it would feel like to be Santa).

Peace and chicken,

Petey Kringle

 

Advertisements

Happy Ho’oween?

Ok, so as a Chihuahua I don’t particularly like to get dressed up. For anything. Especially Halloween. It’s jus’ not my style, I’m a commando kind of guy. I’m all about hanging out all the way, all the time. With that said, I can respect peeps who want to get dressed up on Halloween. That’s cool, that’s their choice and I’m all about choice..I like to have a choice between chicken and steak and cheese and sugar snap peas, apples with peanut butter…anyway…

So, I’m cool with other people getting their costume on. But what my curious Chi mind wants to know is what the hell is with all the whore costumes for ladies? I mean, seriously. A girl can’t just dress up as regular ol’ Pocahontas, now she has to look like Whorahontas. I mean there are some costumes that jus’ assume a little sluttiness, like you  know, say, a French Maid or a Go-Go dancer…or a hooker. But now, every darn costume made for the ladies has as much material as a shrunken thong. They take the most innocent costumes and strip it down and turn up the skank. Hey! Look at the  Zombie Tramp!

And this not jus’ an issue for grown ladies, but little girls, too! Prepubescent hussy costumes! Doesn’t anyone see that a sexed-up Hello Kitty costume for a 9 year old girl is jus’ WRONG?!  I mean don’t their daddies care? If I was was a daddy _ I mean I can’t be because they cut off my junk before I was old enough to be a daddy – BUT if I were one, I would not want my little girl dressed up as a slutty pumpkin!

I mean I understand that some ladies – LADIES, NOT little girls – may want to feel a little sexy, ’cause maybe they don’t get to dress sexy much, but sheeesh then go for the Play Boy Bunny or “dirty teacher”, but don’t sex-up dinosaurs! I mean I’M an animal and I don’t find dinosaurs “sexy”!

And you know, also I think there’s no creativity in the slut costumes…just take any ol’ idea and show some cleavage and crotch and there you go! Look! I’m a skanky witch!

I realize I may be all alone in my viewpoint…it’s a rare dude doesn’t like a lot of skin, but there’s a lot to be said for what I call the “librarian effect”. You know, a little mystery, little anticipation of what lies underneath…but hey I’m a Chi what the heck do I know, right?

So, jus’ sayin’ that Ho’oween costumes don’t make me think “OOOOO, she’s hot.” I think “OOoo, good thing I got my shots!”
Peace and peas,
Pete