Stop Picking on Charlie Brown & Christmas!

Ok, first, hasn’t Charlie Brown been picked on enough with Lucy pulling that darn football away from him every time?  Isn’t that enough? But now we got some tardweasel trying to take him off the air. I mean, I would think a guy would be smart enough to notice a pattern, you know, like “Hey she’s yanked the football before, maybe she jus’ might do it again.” Like when Elsa scared the beejeezuz out of me jumping out from dark corners. It only took me 3 times of that crap and I recognized the evil pattern.  Elsa is evil. So now I walk in the middle of the room. Always.

Sorry, this is about the raw deal Charlie Brown and Christmas are getting. So first, there was some cry-baby-pee-pants parent who wanted to have The Peanuts gang removed from airing on TV because he thought it promoted “bullying”. Yeah. Ok, dude have you SEEN any of the shows? Like I said, Lucy whisks the football away from Chuck all the time. But you automatically think a kid is going to beat up and steal your little Aiden’s iCrap because they watched The Great Pumpkin? Seriously? Maybe you should take away  “Call of Duty” or “Grand Theft Auto” first.

And could someone tell the Delicate Dan that kids have been “bullying” each other since before TV was even invented? Since before dogs were domesticated. Heck, I bet there were cave-kids bullying each other with clubs and snakes. Dude, they don’t get the idea from an innocuous cartoon about a giant pumpkin or the spirit of Christmas.

You know, teenagers’ brains aren’t fully developed so they are like retarded, drunken howler monkeys. They think up weird shit and sometimes do bad things. Has Daddy ever thought about oh, maybe taking some responsibility for the life he chose to produce and TEACH it “right and wrong”? Maaaaaybe, telling his precious squirt that what Lucy does is not very nice? Maybe then focus on the POSITIVE messages the REST OF THE DAMN SHOW HAS?

<Breathe> Sorry, I’m usually a mellow guy, but dang it, it gets my nuts in a knot. I mean, I don’t actually have nuts anymore, so of course I’m speaking figuratively. I like to say it though, makes me feel manly. Anyway, so NOW some stupid atheists are going after the “Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown” special AND a local theatre rendition at a <GASP> church.

Kids at a school were going to go to the play as a field trip, but the atheists got their pentagram in a twist saying that it has “religious content” and is held in a religious venue, then citing the 1st Amendment. Um, do these Jesus-bashers know that it says “…freedom OF religion…” NOT freedom FROM religion?!  Meaning anyone can practice ANY RELIGION they want. Well, actually what it says is, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof;…”.

So, you  know, I got to thinking – I can be a very pensive kind of dude – and what I want to ask these hypocrites is, why does God offend them so much, but Allah doesn’t? HUH? See, we can’t sing songs in schools that even mention God; can’t have a “CHRISTMAS” tree, has to be a f-ing “holiday tree” (vomit); they can’t say “Merry Christmas” because it might “offend” some Sensitive Sally (Hmm my Jewish friends never got offend by the INNOCENT, HAPPY sentiment); no way on having a nativity. BUT if they are SO concerned, too, with “separation of church and state”, why don’t they make a darn peep when children in a US school sing a RELIGIOUS  MUSLIM song? Yeah, that’s right, that’s what I said…a Muslim religious song. Here. In the US. In a school.  But they can’t sing “The First Noel” or have a “Christmas” party?! I mean, what the hell?

And a school somewhere else took children to a MOSQUE; you know a “religious venue” on a field trip. I’m pretty sure they weren’t having a Charlie Brown Christmas play either. No, they had them recite a Muslim prayer. A prayer. Now if it were a dang Christian prayer they would have gone bat-shit.

So, hypocritical haters, what’s your excuse? Where were you then? HUH? You don’t want to see or hear anything to do with a Christian God, but you’re perfectly fine with Islam? Isn’t that considered a religion? Aren’t you soul-suckers against ALL religion?

As an open-minded, understanding kind of Chi, I can’t understand how people can be frickin’ offended by a holiday that’s main message is peace, love and selfless giving. I mean, seriously?

You know, how empty does your life have to be to get your titties in a twist about a good-smelling evergreen with twinkly lights and sparkly glass balls or a salutation that is meant with the kindest of intention? I don’t have titties, but if I did they wouldn’t get in a twist if someone wished me, say, “Happy Hanukah” or Happy Mother’s Day. I’m not a mother, I’m a dude, but hey I wouldn’t get all agro about it…cause see I’m secure in who I am and I have more important things to think about…like if evil Elsa will try to eat me today.

Mom tells me that when she was young -not that long ago, I’m reminded-that there CHRISTMAS decorations everywhere…in stores, restaurants, gas stations, homes, town halls, frickin’ everywhere. She said every one wished each other Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukah and no one got offended by pretty decorations and good cheer. WTF, yo?

I don’t understand, but I”m jus’ a simple Chi with a simple life.

Well, mom and I are wishing EVERYONE a “Merry Christmas” wherever we go and mom decorated her car with the phrase “Merry Christmas”.  Hey, maybe we’re offended by people who are offended by Christmas.

So, here’s a shout out to the baby Jesus on his birthday and wish of a very Merry Christmas everyone, whether they like it or not.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, yo,
Pete, your Christmas elf.


Happy Ho’oween?

Ok, so as a Chihuahua I don’t particularly like to get dressed up. For anything. Especially Halloween. It’s jus’ not my style, I’m a commando kind of guy. I’m all about hanging out all the way, all the time. With that said, I can respect peeps who want to get dressed up on Halloween. That’s cool, that’s their choice and I’m all about choice..I like to have a choice between chicken and steak and cheese and sugar snap peas, apples with peanut butter…anyway…

So, I’m cool with other people getting their costume on. But what my curious Chi mind wants to know is what the hell is with all the whore costumes for ladies? I mean, seriously. A girl can’t just dress up as regular ol’ Pocahontas, now she has to look like Whorahontas. I mean there are some costumes that jus’ assume a little sluttiness, like you  know, say, a French Maid or a Go-Go dancer…or a hooker. But now, every darn costume made for the ladies has as much material as a shrunken thong. They take the most innocent costumes and strip it down and turn up the skank. Hey! Look at the  Zombie Tramp!

And this not jus’ an issue for grown ladies, but little girls, too! Prepubescent hussy costumes! Doesn’t anyone see that a sexed-up Hello Kitty costume for a 9 year old girl is jus’ WRONG?!  I mean don’t their daddies care? If I was was a daddy _ I mean I can’t be because they cut off my junk before I was old enough to be a daddy – BUT if I were one, I would not want my little girl dressed up as a slutty pumpkin!

I mean I understand that some ladies – LADIES, NOT little girls – may want to feel a little sexy, ’cause maybe they don’t get to dress sexy much, but sheeesh then go for the Play Boy Bunny or “dirty teacher”, but don’t sex-up dinosaurs! I mean I’M an animal and I don’t find dinosaurs “sexy”!

And you know, also I think there’s no creativity in the slut costumes…just take any ol’ idea and show some cleavage and crotch and there you go! Look! I’m a skanky witch!

I realize I may be all alone in my viewpoint…it’s a rare dude doesn’t like a lot of skin, but there’s a lot to be said for what I call the “librarian effect”. You know, a little mystery, little anticipation of what lies underneath…but hey I’m a Chi what the heck do I know, right?

So, jus’ sayin’ that Ho’oween costumes don’t make me think “OOOOO, she’s hot.” I think “OOoo, good thing I got my shots!”
Peace and peas,
Pete


So I’M The A-Hole?

Ok, so mom tells me I’m an a-hole from time to time. Well, pruddy much every time I snarl and bark at another dog. Which, ok, I have to admit is almost every time I see one on a leash. But a, uh, compact dude like myself, we gotta walk tall, show we’re tough. According to mother that’s being an a-hole. I disagree. I call it not being a victim. Proactive, you know.

So, yeah, I get carried away sometimes, get to feeling my power and I may become a little overzealous. It happens. I mean what good is being alive if a guy can’t get a little crazy now and again, right?

Ok, anyway, so I think MOM is an a-hole, too. I’m sorry, I love her, she’s awesome, gives me sugar snap peas (they’re delicious), but she’s crossed a line. I’ve lost trust and it will take some time to get it back, you know. What did she do you ask?

She took me into the pool. A swimming pool! Like with deep water. Oh she thought it would be funny – ha ha – to get the chi wet. She thought it would cool me off because she thought I was hot. Well, that’s what the hell shade is for. Not water. Not for a chi. We. Don’t. Like. Water. Hate it.

Oh yes, I tolerate the bath, cause well, you know, a guy likes to stay clean. I’m mature enough to realize that baths are a necessary evil of not offending others. I want people to pet me, and I understand they may shy away if I have too much funk goin’ on. I don’t want them to say “Oh looook at that cute chi (cause they do, they say I’m cute) he’s so cute, but man is he stinky. Don’t pet him, he smells like Mastiff butt.”

Anyway, giving me a bath, that’s different than carrying a guy INTO the pool. Carried me in over her shoulder. She got my junk wet.

You know I gotta say it…she…well, she pissed me off. Yeah, she did. I couldn’t even look at her for an hour. Damn sure wasn’t going anywhere near her. Oh she knew she did wrong, she knew. I made sure of it. I gave her the best stink-eye I could muster. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of my stink eye, you’ll feel it down in your soul. If you have one, mom.

<SIGH> So, of course I’m finding it in my heart to forgive her. She does feed me pruddy good stuff, after all. I mean she could feed me MORE good stuff, but I don’t really want to be a tubbo, super-sized chi. I gotta stay at my fightin’ weight. So I got respect her for that, too, keeping a check on my fightin’ weight. Some moms, they don’t care. They’re like “Oh, here baby, have more chicken fat, here, more steak, more Snausages…” And the poor helpless guy eats it up and pruddy soon he’s waddlin’ around like Orson Wells after a doughnut binge.

Anyway, so yeah, I’m forgiving her – slowly, but I jus’ want her to think next she’s calls ME as a-hole. She’s no “Miss Innocent”.

Peace to the Out,

Pete-man


Sacrilege of Holiday Candy Crossover

So, you know, I just want to say that I’m not the kind of guy to perpetuate (learned that word today watching the History Channel) hear-say or, you  know, talk in depth about things I haven’t personally experienced, but this issue needs addressing. Something mom told me.

Yeah, see, since “companion pets” – what I am supposed to be – are not permitted to participate in holiday shopping ‘cause we can’t go into the damn stores, I can’t personally witness the travesty that has befallen our holiday candy code, but I can tell you what mom saw. Oh, do you know the code? Well, for those of you who don’t know…

Holiday Candy Code:  Thou shalt not make or distribute a candy specific to one holiday during another holiday unrelated to that candy. Thus, thou shalt not change the color of said candy to make it marketable for the unrelated holiday.

Ok, see, mom went to the store and as she was perusing the Christmas candy, she began to notice something very disturbing… “other” holiday candy colored or altered to sell for Christmas.  See there are jus’ some candies that are specific to a particular holiday and it’s jus’ not right to sell it on any other holiday.

Like marshmallow peeps. What holiday do you think of when you see marshmallow candy? Right, Easter. You don’t think Christmas, right? No. Marshmallow peeps…any marshmallow candy, really, is for Easter. That’s it. But, she said she saw what appeared to marshmallow santas, red and green of course. But they were in the little cardboard coffins like the peeps come in – only they were santas. WE DON’T HAVE MARSHMALLOW CANDIES FOR CHRISTMAS!

Even worse though than the marshmallow imposters– better sit down –green and red candy corn! Candy corn. Candy freakin’ corn! For Christmas! Candy corn. Christmas. Blasphemy! First off, people barely want to eat those sugar-turd nuggets anyway, but on Christmas!? Seriously? Are they peppermint flavored, TOO? No,no,no,no. No.

You.  Jus’. Don’t. Do. It. You don’t.

I know I’m a pruddy young guy, but you know, I do have a sense of tradition. I have principles and guidelines I live by…and that includes holiday decrees. We just can’t be crossing over our holiday candies. No. I mean, then no candy will be special, we will just be like, “Oh, more snot-filled Cadbury… Santas…or ghosts…turkeys.” Cadbury snot EGGSs are for EASTER. No other time.

And then we lose our holiday candy identity. I mean, when someone says ‘candy corn’, don’t you automatically think (well, other than “gag”) ‘Halloween’, right? Well if you we have it for every freakin’ holiday then it means nuthin’. Nuthin’.  Jus’ “Oh, there’s crappy corn again…red, white and blue this time.”

Oh and that reminds me of one other thing we need to address, ‘cause, you know, it goes along with the whole holiday code/keeping it pure kinda thing…Holidays have their own colors, too, see. Black and orange for Halloween…earthy colors like orange, brown, yellow for Thanksgiving ‘cause it’s like the pretty leaves changing on the trees. Red, white and blue for the 4th of July ‘cause that’s our country’s birthday and those are our flag colors. Pastelly blues, yellows and pinks – other than being for sissies and that Hilton twit that tortures her Chi with stupid, claustrophobic, nancy-boy clothes – are for Easter. Just Easter. Not Christmas! Do you hear me? Not for Christmas!

Christmas colors are red, green and silver, damn it! Oh and maybe gold ‘cause some jingle bells might be gold…oh and I guess one of those wise dudes brought the baby Jesus gold for a present. Nice present.

Anyway, so why do I see Christmas lights that are bluuue and piiiink and yelloooow? Huh? Stop it!

Ok, I’m getting myself worked up. I am a pruddy relaxed kind of guy, so I don’t like getting all agro, but, you know, what happens if we don’t maintain certain standards? There will be no more special colors or candy or symbols if we keep diluting everything. I mean, hell , why don’t we start trick-or-treating for Thanksgiving? Knock on a door… “trick or turkey, got any left-overs?” Or start hanging colored eggs from Christmas trees? Or dress up as mad, vampire bunnies for Easter?

I mean aren’t traditions and standards important? Otherwise it’s all the same, nothing is special or different or appreciated because you no longer have to wait for it. When you have everything all the time, nothing is special. I mean, like if I got chicken all the time, it probably wouldn’t be so special anymore. I’d be like “Oh, chicken again. Cool.” Or like having turkey for Thanksgiving dinner… I mean there’s no solid reason why have to have turkey, then. And, you know, some people are jus’ a little too smug about not having a traditional dinner, that’s their choice, fine. But, isn’t it kind of fun to have that tradition? Isn’t it nice to look forward to that standard? Otherwise it jus’ becomes another big ass gluttonous dinner, right?

Ok, and just real quick – cause I could go on – it’s ok to wish people a ‘Merry Christmas’! Dang it. Stop worrying about ‘offending’ someone. I mean really. You know, if someone is actually offended by such a cheery salutation in honor of a loving, faith-filled holiday than they can SUCK IT! Seriously, if a pruddy decorated tree makes you upset then go to another country where people don’t put up Christmas trees.

So, to my all peeps, I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas!! And all the baby Jesus haters, to you as well…MERRY CHRISTMAS! SUCK IT!

Peace out,”

Petey ‘Merry Christmas’ McSweets


A Chi Left Behind

So once again the Chi gets the shaft. I just found out mom went to a big, beautiful beach without me. Yes. Without the Chi. I was betrayed and I’m typically not an easy guy fool. I’m really still jus’ in disbelief.

I love the beach, you know? Especially smooth sandy beaches, not like some of the rocky, barnacled ones they have here in this mold-spore. Walking on that stuff can actually be dangerous for a Chi, you know. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure-footed as a mountain goat, but you know, those barnacles can tear up even the strongest paws. I’m the kind of guy can get caught up in the moment sometimes and, well, not always pay attention to where I’m stepping. And you know, it’s nice to get
“caught in the moment”, not worry about your paw getting ripped open like a filleted fish.

See, I love ocean just as much as mom and…ok,  maybe not the ocean exactly. I don’t like the water like mom, she thinks she’s a damn mermaid or dolphin or something. Chi’s, they prefer to be dry. I guess you could say we’re landlubbers…and we don’t appreciate wet sand all up in our undercarriage. And I’ll admit the waves, they intimidate me. No, they don’t scare me, just intimidate – there’s a difference, look it up. But. I do love the beach. The dry part. Where the waves don’t reach.

So ok, like I was saying…mom abandoned me for nine days while she went flitting off to Florida. Yeah, see, she put me in the car…“Oh we’re going to Aunt Jodi’s, oh you’re going to play with Emma, oh what big fun, oh…” …blah, blah, blah…lies, lies, lies with jazz hands.

When we get to Aunt Jodi’s she acts like she’s just stepping out to her book store or her antique place, so I’m thinking I’ll tear up some stuffed animals with Emma, get some pets from Aunt Jodi, mom will get a few books then we’ll go home.

Nope. Not what happened. I was ABANDONED. For NINE days. Ok, maybe being left at Aunt Jodi’s doesn’t qualify as being abandoned exactly, but I thought I was a companion pet. Chi’s are companion pets. I’m a priddy smart guy and I believe “companion” means someone who accompanies, you know, like “go with”. So. Companion pet = a go-with pet…A freakin’ pet that goes to the beach. Any beach! There’s nothing in the dictionary that says “someone who accompanies, except to the beach” is there?!

……………………………………………..Ok, sorry, I didn’t mean to lose my composure. I’m a laid-back, Margaritaville kind of guy and typically don’t like to get my bits in a bunch – It’s unbecoming for a respectable Chi.  But, well, you know, even a strong,
self-confident dude like me has vulnerable moments and I was jus’ disappointed I didn’t get to go along – again. I mean mom says she misses me, she says she wishes she could take me, but she doesn’t seem to try very hard.  After a while a guy starts to lose faith, gets a little edgy, you know?

But even though I would so love to be a cross-country Chi, I guess I should be thankful that I do get to go lots of places locally…car rides for coffee, trips to the beach here, some parks, the vitamin store (they love me there), up to aunt Jodi’s, etc. I mean, I could be under house-arrest like Elsa and Gus. That would be truly devastating. But Elsa shouldn’t leave the house anyway, you jus’ can’t let evil out of the house. It’s not responsible.

So, I’ll jus’ try to be thankful for the places I do go and continue to dream longingly about faraway beaches.

Peace Out,
PMcS


Mom Created A Gussy-Monster

<Sigh>…I love Gussy, I do.We’re buds…kind of like Butch and Sundance, you know? He’s cool for a cat, even though he’s, uh, slow…you know, not smart..or maybe that’s what makes him cool. Hmm. And I’m priddy sure Sundance was smart… Anyway… Mom takes a little extra special care of him ’cause he’s retarded and I’m ok with that. I mean, well, sometimes I get jealous, but mostly I try to be an upstanding guy ’cause that’s how I roll… Setting a good example for the Chihuahuas of the world. 

And don’t misunderstand me, I’m not “dissin’ ma bud, but mom has extra-special-cared him right into a brat. Ok, maybe that’s harsh ’cause it’s really only in one area. See, Gus can’t jump like a normal cat. It’s like he doesn’t know he has back legs or something. He can’t get up on the 4ft windowsill in the bedroom. And even though he has 2 other BIG sliding glass doors to look out of, he likes that window the best. I don’t get it. But I’m a Chi, not a cat. And I’m not retarded. So, he can’t jump up there. I said that. Ok, so when he comes over and looks at the window longingly with big “stoned” eyes, mom is right there to pick him up and put him in the window. Every time.

So, now he wants up on the window at all hours. You know, the ass-crack of dawn, late at night…whenever he wants up mom puts him there. See, ’cause if she doesn’t, he lets out these little squeaks that I guess are supposed to be  meows, but it sounds like he’s leaking or something.  And if she doesn’t do it after a few squeaks, then he claws at the freakin’  curtains!

Now, you may be asking yourself why this should bother me? After all, I am a relaxed, love-and-be-loved kind of guy. And even the little noises he makes doesn’t bother me so much, it’s the being disturbed amidst my coziness in bed when mom has to get up. I get knocked around or the covers get thrown off and I get a chill. I don’t like it. I don’t. A guy needs his rest, you know. And yeah, I know I get to sleep during the day while everyone’s gone, but see the night is the best. It is the most cozy time to sleep. And mom is there…it’s not as cozy sleeping alone. Then when I get disturbed it throws me off for hours.

And I do understand that maybe mom puts him up there at ALL HOURS because his squeaking  bothers her and I know she needs her sleep. Boy, does she need her sleep. That’s another blog, though. So, I do get it. To a point. ‘Cause look what it has done. It has conditioned Gussy to meow till he gets his way. So, he  meows to get up there..and mom puts him up…and on and on it goes. When Elsa whines mom just tells her to bugger off. And Elsa is fine with that. But Gussy, he really doesn’t understand. He looks hurt and sad when mom tries to hold out..then she caves. Caves like a lawn chair fort in a thunderstorm.

We need a new solution. Mom did talk of building him stairs for the windowsill like she did for the hutch so he could get to his food. But, she decided that it would be too risky to have Gus up so high and unattended. She was afraid she come home from work to find Gussy hanging from the cord of the blinds, Tombstone style.

Well, thanks for listening…sometimes a guy just needs to vent.

Peace,
PMcS


OMG Gus and Elsa Are”Haunted”

Holy cow! Mom filmed these weird lights in our bedroom. I think they might be a ghost. You know, I’ve said that I thought Elsa was a demon, but but she was sitting right there, so it must be something else and they didn’t look evil. Elsa is evil, though.

Helen says she thinks it’s Gussy’s garden angel. No, wait…guardian angel. Garden angels are something different, they’re called g…..gnomes, I think. Anyway, Gus needs one, a guardian angel, protect him from Elsa. I want to think it’s his angel, too. I, mean don’t get me wrong, I am a brave guy and all, but it would be weird sharing a bedroom with a thing I don’t know what it is.

Maybe we should name Gussy’s angel. Virgil? That sounds like a good name for an angel. Virgil.

Anyway, take a look at the video and see for yourself.
http://dl.dropbox.com/u/14924015/Orb__2.wmv    ——- Watch for the light under the stool.

http://dl.dropbox.com/u/14924015/Moving_Orb.wmv   —— Watch for the light in front of Gus on the floor.

Cheers & Chicken,
Pete