Monthly Archives: December 2014

Crotch-kick to Christmas

Hey you guys,

It’s been awhile, huh? Yeah, sorry, mom has been writing a book and looking for a job…and then found one as a copywriter (Snoopy dance!), so she’s been hogging the dang computer a LOT. But back to now…any of you that have read my stuff before know I kinda like to post something for every Christmas. I’m a little late this year, I know, but mom finally let Calgon take her away, so I’m getting some keyboard time.

Ok, so this is my observation for this CHRISTMAS season – you know, the national holiday this country used to be allowed to celebrate. It’s not National Ugly Sweater Day or “Winter” Festival. It’s Christmas. Well, ok, it is technically winter, but this is specifically the Christmas season, damn it. I know it is, I’ve seen the Joe Boxers ads with plump bellied men and women shaking their stuff to Jingle Bells and Santa Baby. Some things you just can’t “mind delete”. Anyway, if you walk into Fred Meyer it might not be so obvious that’s it’s Christmas. It’s like they said, let’s not offend anyone by hanging up sparkly lights and red ribbons, but we’ll put out some decorations for sale in a far-off corner to capitalize on the holiday spenders.

See, mom went in there the other to do some CHRISTMAS shopping, but when she walked through the doors, she was struck by the fact that there was NO Christmas music playing, and nary a decoration. Oh, sure they had their obligatory end-display of Poinsettia and evergreen garnishments for sale, but not one wreath, drape of tinsel or giant candy canes to be found as decoration. Sure those things were for sale in a sequestered corner, but if you went strolling through the frozen stringbean section, and weren’t in that part of the store, you’d have no damn idea it was five days before Christmas. She said she found herself in a rather un-Christmas like mood. She was listening to Maroon 5 piped in through the speakers and looking at bare walls and naked, dusty lighting fixtures.

So, I ask this to the powers that be at Fred Meyer: are you so damn afraid that you will offend some non-Christian by stringing up sparkly tinsel and silver and gold balls (snicker)? Who the HELL can be offended by a green tree strung with popcorn and colored lights!? How fucking sensitive and small do you have to be to become angered by figures with wings on their back and tree-debris strung together in circular formation?! You know, this Chi is not asking for a seven foot crucifix to be erected over the entrance or bibles to be hung from the ceiling! Mom just wants some damn red ribbons, blinking lights – ok, not blinking because those are way too mesmerizing – but pretty lights and evergreen swag. Sheesh.

Your establishment attempts to capitalize on the money spending for the holiday, but you refuse to acknowledge it by hanging a snowman! What if all the people who believe in and celebrate it actually refused to shop at your store between Thanksgiving and Dec 5th? I imagine your sales might smell like Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poo.

See, you kowtow to the minority that is “offended” by a fragrant Noble fir bedecked with elves and white snow flakes, but thumb your nose at those you celebrate the NATIONAL HOLIDAY. National holiday…meaning it’s recognized flipping recognized by the GOVERNMENT…it’s an “official” holiday). Thanks so much for flipping the big finger bird to what I imagine is the majority of your patrons. A big ol’ steel-booted crotch-kick to Christmas.This Chi is not fond of hypocrisy. Hell, I can barley spell it.

So, you know what? Mom then went to Big 5 …and sonnabitch, they were playing Christmas music. She actually stayed longer than she intended and bought stuff she wasn’t planning to. And then guess what? She went back to Big 5 the next day – after I returned what she bought at Fred Meyer – and bought MORE stuff. Blow that up your chimney.

Now mom and I are discussing a campaign to boycott FM during the next “holiday” season. If people can cry-baby-pee-pants about Christmas decorations and music, then I’m going to start complaining about the lack of celebration. It’s been a bloody national holiday since 1870! One-hundred and forty fucking years we’ve been “allowed” to celebrate our NATIONAL bloody holiday in this country, but then some Sensitive Sally parade-pissers come over here to reap our benefits and try to tell US how to live and attempt to deny us celebration of our holidays.

And sure, you can argue that, well we are still “free” to celebrate Christmas how we wish in the privacy of our own homes. BUT. Big ass BUT…but part of how we’ve celebrated the holiday is through decorations and music. This IS part of the celebration, damn it! It’s our celebration in THIS country. We’re not in Iraq (most of you would smell like goat or be dead), we’re not in China ( most of you would smell like pollution and be poor), we’re not in North Korea (most of you wouldn’t be reading this or be dead)…we’re in America, where have freedom OF religion, NOT freedom FROM religion.

Merry Christmas, bitches.

Pete the Elf of Chis