Monthly Archives: June 2013

“Energy Efficient” Blah Blah

So, you know I’m the kind of guy likes to stay up with the times, pay attention to the world around me, stay dialed in. Mom helps of course; she can read a little better than I can. Gussy can’t read at all, he just looks at the pictures.

Anyway, there’s a lot of this new “energy efficient” stuff coming out; energy efficient cars, energy efficient toilets, coffee makers, whole entire homes, all sorts of stuff. Next thing you know they will be making energy efficient Chis. But, I think I’m already engery efficient. Sure I am. I’m aerodynamic, I can run like the wind, but I don’t eat nearly as much as Gussy and he runs like a drunken moneky with a broken foot.

Ok, but see, mom keeps abreast <snicker>of these things, reads about them, researches and turns out many of these darn things are just marketing propaganda…or as mom says, “total bullshit”.

Yeah, so take the “energy efficient” light bulbs. Dangerous and bogus. Yeah. Know why? They have MERCURY in them. You know, a toxic element. I’m not the brainiest Chi in the forest, but I DO know mercury is poisonous; it can be fatal or cause permanent brain damage. Permanent damage. To the brain. Poisonous. And you’d think especially when it’s heated to higher temperatures like when oh, say…you have your lights on for a long time. And a funny thing about that is, those lights lose their “efficiency” after they are left on for long periods of time. So it’s only when you FIRST turn on your lobotomy lights that they are actually “efficient”. No, seriously, I read the official report. Ok, well, mom did, but she told me about it. The amount of money you save in a year couldn’t buy you another light bulb … or even a delicious chicken chew.

Heck, right on the package it tells you if you break one to IMMEDIATELY ventilate and EVACUATE the area, especially small animals. Small animals. Yeah, like Chis. They could die from mercury poisoning. Now who the hell wants to take the chance of getting poisoned just to maybe save a few bucks on the electric bill? Not this Chi. Seriously.  I’m damn sure I don’t want to be a brain-damaged or dead Chi. I’m kind of smart guy, I don’t want to risk that for some illuuuuumination. Sheeesh, we already have one retard in the family (Gussy).

Guess what else? The report also says not sit with your head “too close to the bulbs for long periods of time”. Freakin’ seriously?!?  Why? Will they your hair catch on fire like Michael Jackson’s? Nope.  Will they turn your hair white? Nope. Will they make your hair smell like mercury? Nope. Wiiiiiillll they  burn your forehead like Richard Dryfuss in Close Encounters? No. No. No. No. It’s because they can cause BRIAN DAMAGE.

Oh and on the package it also tells you to not – repeat, NOT – use a vacuum to clean up the fragments as that could send poisonous mercury particles into the air. Yes, on the package, written right there for everyone to see…and to use rubber gloves. Rubber gloves. Now you who the heck wants to have to wear a HAZMAT suit to clean up a broken light bulb?? Mom says she would rather shaver her legs by candle light than have those things in the house.

Oh and you can’t throw them away in the trash. Nope. You’ve got take them to a special your light bulb-could- kill-you recycling place.  So, you know, you may be saving a few cents on electricity, but now you’re making a special trip to dispose of them…using more gasoline. Yep. Think about that.

So, who the hell wants to play mercury roulette with their light bulbs because they might save forty-three cents?

Ok, so then let’s talk about the darn “energy efficient” washing machines. Another donkey crap idea. Well, you know, I do have to say that these washing machines might actually save energy…because they don’t have enough power to clean your bloody clothes. Um, I didn’t mean bloody like real blood from a gaping wound, but you know, “bloody” like when British people use it instead of the word “fuck”. But then again the pansy machines wouldn’t clean actual bloody clothes anyway.

Mom says she could dunk her clothes in the toilet, flush 3 times and they would get cleaner than putting them in one of those washing machines. She says clothes actually go in cleaner than they come out. An 80 year old stroke victim could stir her tea with more power than these “efficient” machines.

So what happens then? Mom ends up washing her clothes twice sometimes because they don’t get clean. So, how “efficient” is that, huh? And it damn sure doesn’t get out my manly hair from my bed and blankets. I guess for those folks don’t mind walking around in grimy clothes so they can feel superior for “saving energy” it’s ok. But heck, I don’t even want my collar washed in it, you know, mom hand scrubs it.  A Chi has to have standards, you know.  Elsa doesn’t. She’s a pig.   Hey…maybe I can talk mom into putting Elsa in the washing machine…

With that soothing fantasy, I will sign off.

Peace out ma peeps,